The Brain as Explained by John Cleese
Wonder. Full of… Thanks to @BoingBoing for making the other parts of my day so much better, so much easier to understand. TGIF! Er, Wednesday?
I’m Blogging This.
I saved this image to my desktop within the last year or two. Now, cleaning up my desktop, I’m still enthused about the t-shirt, still want it, but I can’t remember where in the world to find the clever merchant.
I saved it as a reminder to buy the t-shirt, but now I’ve lost track of where to buy it. And yet… the shirt is GREAT! Any leads?
Puns for Educated Minds
It’s happened again, another memorable forward. Read these puns aloud, and you’ll likely chuckle a time or two. If not, check your pulse. And then ingest a goodly chunk of dark chocolate. Then reread these clever puns. Aloud. And enjoy!
- The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head..’
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said ‘No change yet.’
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Did these tickle your punny funny bone? Did they inspire to conjure up a pun or two of your own? Feel free to share.
Related articles
- Being punny. Making puns (good and bad) and bad jokes as I go is one of the ways that I am creative every day! I just make up jokes as I talk with friends or my sisters, and as I read, even when I’m doing schoolwork. It’s pretty simple: all you need is wo (actinglikeanimals.com)
- Puns (thefreelancenut.com)
- Fun Puns :) (thinkerslot.wordpress.com)
- Puns Are Pun-ishing (earlbrussell.wordpress.com)
- Bad puns (meangreenmath.com)
- There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. (brianbarrons.typepad.com)
Wong Fook Hing Book Store
This was simply too, too good to send off to the recycling bin without sharing the chuckle. If you’ve spent time in China — and maybe even if you haven’t — you’ll appreciate an email that was forwarded to me today. It’s one of those *clever* dispatches that asks you to read something and then scroll down until an image appears. So, some of the lead-up vanishes here, but the image says it all.
“If you can’t find the book you want, you’re probably shopping at the…”
Badly Written News Leads
Aaahhh yes… This was too good to pass up. I’m going to pass along a Talk to the Newsroom snippet from New York Times Executive Editor, Bill Keller’s response to a reader’s complaint about badly written news leads. Read. And then re-read. And then print it, pin it up next to your desk and read it again every day. Am I speaking to myself? Perhaps.
Q. The colorful lead is the bane (or at least one of the banes) of my time spent with The Times. So often, I have tried quickly to get the gist of a story (this happens in the Sports section more often than in the news sections) only to find that I must read something like ‘it was a dark and dreary night’ before finding the point, or the score, or even a notion of what the article is about.
Whatever happened to the inviolate rule that a lead was 35 words or fewer, telling us where, why, what or who? (Peter C. Boulay, Bronx, N.Y.)
A. As the sun blazed above the snow-lacquered peaks of the Hindu Kush, the weary editor flipped down his clip-on sunglasses and booted up his laptop.
It had been a long week, a soul-sapping, disorienting and yet strangely satisfying week.
Past the simple campsite where he awaited his digital connection to the modern world flowed all the human mystery of the East: the women shrouded in burqas of azure, or possibly cerulean, he was not too good on blues; the camel-borne warlords draped with belts of bullets; the shoeless boys in filthy ‘I Heart New York’ T-shirts; and all the rest, all separated by semicolons and swaddled in colorful clichés.
The computer flickered to life. The keys clicked. (Bill Keller, New York Times Executive Editor, Bill Keller)
First snowfall of the year! Not much stuck on the ground now, but for a couple of hours it was a whirling white blizzard outside. Of course it came at exactly the same time that I need to drive into Elizabethtown for my vehicle inspection. Good opportunity to test out the Subaru AWD and the verdict is… She’s a beaut! Hauled me through the slippery roads in time to dump the car and head out for a blustery 3.5 mile run.
Then home again to discovery that we won’t be riding today. Too slippery for the horses despite the fact that snow has stopped falling and is already mostly melted.
Other news: Email Forward of the Day. Like most every other soul existing in cyber universe, I detest email forwards, chain letters, etc. But every once in a while a really nifty one comes along. Today was one of those days. Actually a double header, but I’ll only post the one funny stab at Uncle Sam. Who knows where these things are born. If I knew the author’s name, I’d credit her (him?) but I don’t so I won’t.
Here goes: “The U.S. government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re being screwed. It just doesn’t get more accurate than that.” Yowzer!
And in final news, twenty five visitors to my eBay auction. Ce-le-bra-tion Time, come on! Bidding has totally stalled out after the first one. Hmmm… Obviously I need to be patient to see what’s going to happen. Excited to watch this play out, but sure would enjoy having some competitive bidding. I’ll keep you posted.
Still haven’t been able to get the Blogger.com upgrade to work so that I can begin adding pictures here. Not sure what the ongoing problem is, but my brother’s had some good luck getting hold of support. Maybe technicolor images will start appearing soon. Hang in there, I’m working on it.
Just received this forward which claims to be the result of a bunch of six year olds’ attempts to complete some standard maxims. Pretty funny. Proverbial wisdom & humor!
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders… 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Better to be safe than… punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the… bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before… Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of… termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but… how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.
7. No news is… impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a… Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new… math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust… me.
12. The pen is mightier than the… pigs.
13. An idle mind is… the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s… pollution.
15. Happy the bride who… gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is… not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s… the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what… you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as… Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you… see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.
And the favorite:
25. Better late than… pregnant!!!!
I’m sooo with you, email forwards are a drag. Except when they aren’t!
I just received one that added some overdue levity to my day. It allegedly represents real classified advertisements. Thought it was worth sharing.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
Free puppies: 1/2 Cockerspaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
FOUND: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat… Been out awhile… Better be a reward.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB –$850/offer
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE: only used on snowy days.
COWS, CALVES: Never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
HUMMERS: Largest selection ever. “If it’s in stock, we have it!”
GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: never opened – used once.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.
Alzheimer’s Center prepares for an affair to remember.
OPEN HOUSE: Body Shapers Toning Salon. Free coffee & donuts.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. ****Wife knows everything.****
